Today.

I have an amazing night today with the most amazing person.

I'm looking forward with it, and thank god everything went well.

I kept on thinking, after everything i went through, after all the hardship that i went through, i finally meet him and officially together with him.

I know it is still early to say that everything will be ok, but somehow there's something about him that makes me believe that everything will be ok. Dinner with him, was a bit awkward at first but it went well in the end. We talked, and we laugh. And i can't help but to smile also i can't help but thinking if everything is real.

It is like in one of those movie, where a guy asked a girl for a date and the guy did the most amazing and sweetest thing with the girl. Ironically, I don't believe in any of that, i don't believe that it will happen in real life but it happened to me today and he made it possible.

I always have this commitment issue with other people because of countless time getting hurt and meeting the wrong guy, i hope i am right with this one.

Memories of you.

Yes, it is my birthday today. Someone who are very dearest to me, keep reminding me about it and keep on celebrating my birthday. It reminds me of someone who i used to know. 6-7 years ago.

This person always celebrate my birthday, always giving me a surprise and spend time together with me. I remember the card i got from this person. A poem for me, and of course a picture of this person. We will eat together, you can say have our perfect date together. Then the next year, this person gave me 3-4 presents? A doll, a frame, a bracelet, and more. This person never failed giving me all the love and affection i need on my birthday. Of course, we had our perfect date again. From time to time, this person kept on giving me things, surprises for me. I remember how this person always want to be the first and the last one who give me wishes. How we stay up late together, waiting for my birthday, and how we stay up late together to spend time until the next day. We keep on texting or calling and give each other love. I missed the old times, i missed the way you say my name, the way you want me. The way you touch me, and hold my hands. The way you make me smile. The way you make me laugh. Our promises, our hope together. Our memories.

I missed the old you. I miss us. How we used to be so closed together and now we are nothing. If only, you know how much you mean in my life. How miserable i am when you start to breaking all our promises. How you took everything from me, my hope and my happiness. Truth to be told, i can't be happy the way i am happy when i'm with you. How my heart is shattered from all the lies and cheats you gave me. I was naive to believe happy ending is real.

Now we both have our own way. We both living our own lives. The future we used to build together, it is gone. The future, where both you and i will stay the same and love each other more. Despite all the hurt, i still miss you. I still want you here. No matter what, you always have a piece from my heart. You will always be mind, to remind me that i shouldn't be stupid and i should grow up so i won't make the same mistake anymore. Lastly, i just want to say i miss you.

Silence.

As we all know, silence is something we all need. Over doing it, will only makes other people thinks you are easy to step on, but not doing it makes people thinks you are annoying. I tried to be one of the silent type of person, and the result is painful. I can't even speak out my own thoughts of something, and people keeps on stepping on me, and makes me feel like a loser.

Even if i say something, people won't take it serious, and thinking i am one of the person who easily can be made fun of. I have had enough with that, i can't always say yes to everything. I can't have a weak personality forever. I can't let people underestimate my own ability, my own strength anymore. I can't let people to control me.

So i decided to change once i came here, at this university. I tried to be as cheerful as i can be. I tried to make friends with everyone, be friendly, be bold, not holding back my thoughts and say whatever i want to say. I just want to improve myself. Truth to be told, i am lonely. The minute i step my foot here, the loneliness were there. Sometimes i want to cry, i want to go home and quit everything. The thoughts of having no one here, sometimes it is too painful to bear. To overcome all of it, i just put a smile on my face and do anything to make me forget the loneliness. I talked and talked to strangers, i realize some of them thinks that i am annoying, some of them thinks that i am happy,cheerful and positive person, some of them thinks that i am someone who don't have any problems.

But the truth is, all of them are wrong. I am not an annoying person, or happy or whatever they think i am, i'm just a normal girl who put a fake smile on her face to hide her problems. A girl that is looking for a friend that she can rely on, that she can trust and share her happiness and sadness together.

I just, i missed my best friends. I miss how we got through any problems together and not even forget with each other. I don't leave people behind, and i know my friends won't leave me.

So again, i spend most of my time with myself. Because someone told me, it is better to be alone than to be with fake people. And yeah, whenever i feel lonely or depress with having no friends here, i will think back my friend's advice and i feel strong again.

Lastly, i guess being alone is not a bad thing at all. Well, sometimes.

A new leaf.

A new leaf, a new life, a new environment, new people, new challenges, new problems, new with everything. Finally i start my life as a student in UTHM Batu Pahat, Johor. I was a bit worried though before coming here, as you can see in my previous post. But things aren't that bad as i thought it will be. Yes, i have to make friends with strangers and i have no one to trust.

I just have to be extra friendly and get out from my comfort zone and just make friends with the people here. Well, now people seems to be doing the same, most all the freshman are making friends with each other. So it wouldn't be hard to say hi to them. Just have to be a bit bold and brave to speak with them, speak with different races and religions.

Even if i know most all of them here, but i still feel lonely. Maybe it is because i haven't found someone like my best friends, Nisa, Tata, Chen and Matul. Someone who i can get crazy with. Sometimes i wished one of them are here. Never in my life i felt so lonely like this, i don't care about boyfriend or whatever, i just need my friends here.

I just need a true friend, someone who i can get crazy with and someone who will never leave me and always got my back.

And as usual, here i am, with my own laptop writing this blog. I'm just bored and lonely, so yeah.. that is why i decided to write this post.

Until the next time. Ciao!

9 days.

.. yes, 9 days left.

I don't want to sound dramatic but i got 9 days left here before i go to Johor. There are so much things i can do in 9 days but here i am in front of the computer screen and writing this blog. In case if some of you are wondering what the hell i'm doing in Johor, well.. i will continue my studies.

After talking on the phone with my best friend, i realize i should move forward. If this is a game, i would say i have to upgrade my life achievement. Most of my friends are already take their own road, achieve their own lifetime wish. One of them are married, engaged and getting engaged, some are working with good salary. I realize, i don't have anything, i'm getting nowhere. That is why i need this, to pursue my own dream and get what i want.

I am excited yet nervous with everything i'm about to deal with in the future. I don't have any much confidence with myself but i got no other choice but to believe with myself and have faith with Him.

Wish me luck.

A crush on someone.

Hi to whoever read this post.

Maybe you do have a crush on someone particular or maybe you not. Maybe it is just an attractive feelings, i mean, more like an admirer. But having a crush on someone, to me it is really fucked up feelings. Why? Because it is a feeling where you're battling with your mind, figuring out if that someone feels the same way or not. Plus, you're scared to confess with them because you're afraid of rejections.

Define a crush.

I'm not sure about other people, but to me a crush is where you like that someone more than just a friend. You started to like them more and more each day and you start wanting to know them more, including their past or their future-plan. You want to spend more time with them, just the two of you.

Your behavior around your crush

Now this is the best part. How you behave around your crush, at first you didn't notice a single thing until your best friends or whoever starting to ask you if you have a crush with that someone. Then you start to think, "HOW THE FUCK DID THEY KNOW?!". That is the first question you will ask yourself. If you haven't notice yet, to whoever read this, let me ask you something, are you happy whenever you see them or talk to them or get any contact with your crush? Are you start to gussy up your appearance whenever you meet them? Are you excited whenever they text you or call you or give a comment on Facebook or Twitter?

As for me, whenever my crush is around, it might sound cliché but i can feel butterflies flying around in my stomach. I can't help but to smile and laugh with every words that comes out from that person's mouth. And if you look closely, you can see my pupils are dilated whenever i talk with my crush. Every touch, even the slightest touch from that person, i can feel my cheeks are burning, my heart beats fast and i just can't stop smiling no matter how tired or how busy i am that day.

So, back to the question. If you feel what i feel, then my friends or readers, you have a crush on someone.

Do you constantly thinking about them?

You start to remember every single detail about your memories with them. You start to wonder what it will be like when you got together with them. You start to dream about them, night and day. You can hardly focus with everything around you, all you can think about is your crush. Last but not least, you start to think or figure out the hints that they might give you as a sign that they also feels the same way.

And for me, this is the worst part of having a crush on someone. Because it's been a while i stuck here at stage three, i tried to move on though, but apparently i can't.

So, to be more cliché, if you're thinking of someone while reading this, then go get them.

Thanks for reading, and i'm bored so i rant about this crush thing.

Taking a new leap

There are times in life where you have to make a big decision or taking chances that will change your life forever. Every result, every outcome from your decision, terrifies you to death. That "what if" moment, haunts you every time you tried to shut your eyes. The first thing you will ask yourself, "what if you'll feel regret?" But we don't know that if we don't try. And as for me, I hate change. I despise changes. I like things stay like they used to be. Say you know this friend, you know them since forever, and the next morning you wake up, this person change into someone else. What I'm saying is, no matter how much I hate changes, I have to do it. I'm about to step forward with my life. I will take a new leap, moving out from here. Create a new routine in a new place with new people. And it suck. Real bad. Still it's better than stuck here. All im saying is,if it is worth to change then do it but if you hesitate then don't. But hey, who knows right?